Thursday, September 3, 2009

The Ultimate Super Hero

I was never very interested in Super heroes as a kid...or for that matter, as an adult. However, my boys absolutely love them. Because of the really cool super power, skills (bow staff, nun chucks and throwing star skills excluded) and ability to bring justice to every situation, my wife and I are constantly reminding our boys that the REAL Super Hero is Jesus. They seem to understand and appreciate that. It might be easier for them if someone could find out that the true Hebrew meaning of "your rod and staff comfort me" should be translated to something like, "your nun chuck skills and ability to catch a bullet in your teeth brings me a lot of comfort". Until that time I think we are left with discussing the most amazing aspects of God...and they are plentiful. Here are some thoughts that may help my boys appreciate Jesus on a new level (satire should be expected).

• Jesus does not sleep. He waits.
• Jesus counted to infinity - twice.
• When the Boogieman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Jesus.
• Jesus is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
• If Jesus did sleep he would do so with a night light. Not because Jesus is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Jesus.
• If at first you don't succeed, you're obviously not Jesus.
• Jesus doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
• Superman owns a pair of Jesus pajamas.
• Jesus doesn't have to do anything for a Klondike bar.
• When Jesus was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Jesus received an "A+" for writing only the words "Jesus Christ" and promptly turning in the paper.
• Jesus ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
• According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Jesus can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
• The quickest way to a man's heart is with Jesus.
• Jesus owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
• Pi is not infinite. It stops when Jesus tells it to.
• Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Jesus. Jesus showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
• The Dinosaurs looked at Jesus the wrong way once. ONCE.
• It was once believed that Jesus actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a ploy, created by Jesus himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
• Oxygen requires Jesus to live.
• Jesus can eat soup with a fork.
• Jesus challenged a statue to a staring contest. Jesus remains undefeated.
• Jesus does not have to mow his lawn. He simply stares at the grass and dares it to grow.
• Bullets dodge Jesus.
• Jesus can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.
• Jesus can hear silence.
• Jesus can unscramble an egg.
• Jesus could play Russian Roulette with 6 bullets.....and win.
• On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Jesus was here."
• Jesus doesn't have to stop bullets because they know better.
• When Jesus does push-ups, he does not push himself up. He pushes the Earth down.
• Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Jesus tendon.
• The first lunar eclipse took place after Jesus challenged the sun to a staring contest. Jesus always wins.

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