Friday, May 30, 2008


Time has a way of changing history...or at least leaving out some extremely important facts about history. I think people and events become larger than life and as we attempt to explain to the next generations how amazing certain people or things were...well, we leave out the parts that may cast a shadow on the greatness. For example, did you know that there really was an Old MacDonald? That's right...E-I-E-I-O...he really existed. However, the next time my kids sing about his animals and the sounds they make I will remember that Old MacDonald lived in the 19th Century...right up until he murdered his wife and then killed himself. Don't forget, "Old MacDonald killed his wife, E-I-E-I-O. And then he decided to kill himself, E-I-E-I-O. With Bang! Bang! here and a....OK, you get the idea.
Old MacDonald, the psychopath, isn't the only person who has greatly benefited from the passage of time...what about Helen Keller (I happen to share a hometown with her. Hello Tuscumbia, AL). We all remember the Miracle Worker and how this deaf, dumb and blind little girl overcame amazing odds to be relatively normal. But did you know that she was a militant communist? I assure you that her political preference isn't plastered on the City Limit sign that proudly proclaims, "Tuscumbia, The Birth Place of Helen Keller". Another person that people have no clue about is Daniel Boone. Check this out, you know those stupid "coon skin hats"? He never wore one of those. That's not even the shocking part. Daniel Boone, the man's man, the outdoors man of the century, the man that makes today's Man vs Wild star, Bear Grylls, look like a scared Girl Scout...he had a medical condition that caused his breast to lactate! I'm freaking serious! Daniel Boone had active mammary glands that produced some liquid that actually leaked out his man teats...who knew? If I was Daniel Boone I would have come up with the whole coon skin hat too. That's way better than a man's man having the physical capabilities to breast feed a baby. What next? Rambo had regular menstrual cycles? John Wayne waxed his "bikini area"? General Patton wore lingerie under his battle dress uniform?

What else have we missed in history? I mean, I think we all know that India has gotten the ole' screw job on several bagpipes were invented in India, not Scotland and the Hope Diamond was smuggled out of India to France in the rectum of a horse. I think we are all aware that Susan B. Anthony was a Santerian High Preistess. It is just common knowledge that Galileo drank a warm glass of blood every night before he went to bed. I am talking about the discovery of something weird...something obscure...some esoteric piece of trivia that would make Alex Trebek blush with shame.

I think it is weird that we never think of the Grandmother's of Jesus as being sexual deviants...but the were. Look at the list in Matthew 1. Tamar, Rahab, Ruth, Bathsheba and Mary. You have an unwed, prego teenager, a prostitute, an incestuous woman and a manipulative girl who uses sex to influence....sounds like a bunch of freaks to me. But Jesus is the Master bringing about purity from the impure.

I wonder why Vacation Bible School didn't tell us the rest of the story about Lot and his crazy daughters. It would be all over FoxNews today if some girls got the great idea to get their father tanked and then slept with him in an attempt to become prego. Maury, Springer and Montel have made huge careers out of less. How would that story look on the Sunday School "flannel board"?

Moses and David have been blessed with a similar plight as Helen Keller. Everyone remembers the good but few really focus on the fact that they were both murderers. That doesn't play well in the baby moses in the basket story...I mean, I bet the guy he killed wishes baby Moses would have hit some rapids just right and flipped over in some whitewater. How about Uriah's family? You think they thought baby Solomon was just precious? My better judgement tells me that baby Solomon made them want to vomit up their own toenails.

What about Oholah and Oholibah? They were sisters and you can read about them in Ezekial 23. I will save you some time and tell you that these women craved men "whose genitals were like that of a donkey and emissions were like that of horses". Enough said...I guess.

Ehud did something not too many people have done...or at least it hasn't been written down too often. In Judges 3 Ehud stabs a king in the wait, it gets better. This King, Eglon, was so fat that the fat closed over Ehud's hand and actually swallowed the handle of the wait, it gets better. You know what King Eglon was doing when he was stabbed? In my home we would say he is going to the potty. And I know what you all must be thinking...number1 or number 2? Oh, it was definitely NUMBER 2!

I don't know why I wanted to get knee deep in obscure Biblical facts...or any other kind of facts for that matter. I suppose I just think the Bible is pretty cool. It certainly isn't the sanitized, crusty, outdated book many think it is. It is funny, sad, violent, sexual and witty. I mean Jesus even gets sarcastic from time to time. Who can't love a Creator with a sense of humor and occasionally a wild streak?

A few other weird things in life that you may otherwise never know? Earwax and orange peel have equal amounts of vitamin C. Grizzly Bears can go for up to 3 weeks without urinating (too bad my wife doesn't exhibit the same control on long trips). Think you are busy? The majority of American Sign Language was invented by a man with only one arm...I can't do it with two. Martin Luther King, Jr. lip-synched much of his "I Have a Dream" speech. Julius Caesar had 12 toes...he was probably an excellent swimmer. Abraham Lincoln was arrested at age 17 for defecating in public. Field mice always sleep facing Northwest. King Tutankhamen was a I guess he introduced himself as King T-T-Tut. The Amarekaire cannibals of Peru have 17 distinct recipes to cook the human head. And I knew I hated Chihuahuas for a reason...under extreme stress they have been known to eat their young. Stupid, ankle-biting morons.

One final thought...I think Daniel Boone should have been around for the birth of Wilbur Wright. You see, Wilbur was born with a full set of teeth...I'd like to see that little fellow clamp on to the leaky man-teat of Boone. That's funny and I don't care how much crap I take over writing is still hysterical.

And with that, I am off to have an awesome weekend...hope you do the same!

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